Misero me...

I am not getting lazy, I just do not feel like writing anything going on these days because I feel I am going nuts. I am lost in love. This girl is taking away from me and confidence I had. I feel undesirable, even ugly. she just seems not to be attracted by me. Last week I asked her to move with me and her answer was "why  should |?". I thought that it was clear why but she asked again the same question and my answer was as straight as it could be "Because I love you". "And you think that people go to live together because one of the two is in love?". I felt so humiliated by her answer. She noticed it and she had a moment of piety towards me that made me feel even worse "Sorry, I should not have said that", she said. I just turned my back to her as if I was looking for the waiter to pay the coffees we took but he was not around. She stood up and placed her right hand on my left shoulder pushing me down as to say "sit down, we are not finished here" and so it was.

"How did you enjoy with Anneka?" her question. Followed immediately by another one "did you see her while in London?". I answered positively to both questions but not without clarifying that sex was not something I was after "I had plenty of it all my life and I feel that there is more to relationships than sex". "But it is nice when there is sexual compatibility between two people" she said. I answered nodding and before I could say what I thought she had taken my line "Of course we do not know if we are compatible and to know that we need to try and bla bla bla bla" I nodded looking down the floor realising how much crap can hide under the tables after a day of people eating, drinking, talking, arguing, courting in an anonymous bar in Central Rome. The guys next table seemed to get along in a much better way. She was a young foreign girl, from the accent sounded Brazilian, while him a man in his 50's with at least one marriage passed and a rebel daughter calling him every 2 minutes asking him for money.  The girl was all attentions for him while the father was wondering what he could have done wrongly to deserve such daughter. I was going to give him a few options but, I guess, I was in a better situation then he was "So, you still haven't told me why I should move in with you, except for the fact that you love me?" Because I wanted her to be my wife but if I had told her that I would have scared her. Probably not. I am not sure. "Would you be able to love me even if I didn't love you?" her immediate question. "Yes" my immediate answer "I am sure you would fall in love with me". "How can you be so sure? so far you have shown me the worst side of you. You treat women like objects, girlfriends like old furniture, the sort of bulky one that is due to make space for something new at any time, you need constantly sex, you do not know what friends are when it comes to sex, you like controlling people lives and make sure that everything revolves and evolves around your personality for which you have an incredible cult. You would be the perfect Mr. Beckham, actually I see you more like Victoria, to be honest". "I was like that, now I am changing" I said with very little voice left. "I am not sure to love you" she said "but I do not feel like starting a story with you. I have been burned before and they were people more reliable than you". she claimed to need her space but when I told her that she was staying at Flavio's place she seemed rather annoyed "Who told you that Flavio bothers me or take my space away? I am sure that living with you would mean seeing you constantly around me, calling me costantly, asking questions about likes and dislikes but more than anything else, it will be like living with Anneka: I should listen to your adventures, how good you are into everything you do, all your past love stories and girls you made suffer" I guess that she was right but I was ready to change. "Last thing I want is to see you change because of me and if things turn bad you will hate me and I do not want to be hated anymore. I had enough shit in my life and I cannot cope with some more. I am stabilising my life these days and my job is going well. Romano is back to be a dear friend and I do not want anything that can hurt me". "Are you in Love with Flavio?" my question. I was afraid of hearing a yes but it was done. "do you think I would be such a bastard to tell you that I am in love with him if I am? Knowing how irascible you can get and that by the time I will have said the 3 letter Y-word you would be on your way to his place threatening him?" I started looking again on the floor and at the couple sitting by us and I realised that now it was their urn enjoying the show. "You love him" I said. "Let me be honest. It's none of your business" she replied. I cannot believe that she is in love with someone like him, but I could not say it. I would have burnt all my chances to get here and I really wanted her. "Ok, I guess that you demolished my last 2 grams of self esteem and it's time to leave". Took the bill and I have not spoken to her since. I am not sure I will talk to her again. I have ignore Flavio completely. I don't think I will talk to him for a while.